Friday, 13 April 2012

Don't know...

 So today is exactly what i'm thinking no overly deep metaphorical babbling just me. As of late i have been listening to the music that suits and reflects how i feel at the very moment i am listening to it and it varies from idie to rap, reggae to country. Every tune and word lingers well after the song has finished and i am still trying to find the true meaning and find how i relate to that song, but after many hours of thinking how this could mean that or that could mean this, I give up. I then wonder, is that how i go through my life? Do i work so hard on something only to just give up? Everything i do is it ever for a purpose or is it just the selfish satisfaction i get from doing something, if for anything, for me. When i give advice do i trust it, the person i am giving it to obviously does but if i was put in the same position would i trust and obey my own instructions? Somehow i don't, i guess being the only person in my life who truely knows how, what and why i think and act, i don't. It is this self-doubt that tells me everything i say is a lie, a joke, an act. How does one over come such a hurdle? Break this haunting habit? I can't.

 With this, once again, leads to another thought (when does anything not?); what i've done, what i will do, and how i will/have go about it? Everything i have done, for as long as i can remember, i have thought long and hard about something, planned a mini speach in my head on the invisable paper that floats around waiting for something to be noted, then not said a word of it, instead saying what i know people want to hear, what will make them happy and reassured. Every thing i wanted to say being flushed down the toilet never to be able to be let out of it's prison cell that is my mind. From then on, i think about what i should have said, what i should have done and everything i wanted to do but didn't. In this same way i think about the future, what i want to do, how i want to do it and everything that will stem from it. Nothing ever happens. I want so bad just to be acknowldged as the girl who did what she wanted without thinking, but in a way, i am like the things i wanted to be said -locked in a body that does not seem like the one that matches the mind. Because of the person i have become, anything i do has to be thought of carefully, the repercussions, the things i want to do but can't make my body carry out the actions. How will it impact on everything else in the world? This sounds big as if i'm the biggest slice of pie on the plate, bit instead i am a tiny speck of dust going about what seems to be a pointless adventure.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safetly in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used, extreamly worn out and loudly proclaiming - "WOW, what a ride!".

My intention is the latter but it seems the best i can manage is the former.  Somehow everything i try and control, i can't. Can't. That word makes me shiver, because, for some unknown reason i don't like the way everything shuts down in my face, dreams and futures and past's gone with the mention of that one word. Can't.

                                                                                             Maddy x

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